A few days ago I saw a story on USA Today’s online edition about a state lawmaker in Wisconsin suggesting that teachers and all school personnel be allowed to carry weapons. His theory is that it would help deter the recent spate of school shootings that have been in the news lately; that it would end ‘Columbine-style’ attacks.

I sent the following e-mail missive to some friends along with the news link. And now I see that last night Stephen Colbert weighed in with his word of the night: “Safety”.

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I hate to say it, but I agree with this guy. I’ve been saying it for years. There’s a simple way to create gun control in the United States. First, you allow everyone to do what they want with weapons: any weapons from small police special 38s to RPGs. You enact a nationwide moratorium on ‘concealed weapon’ crimes for a week, and let anyone to shoot (and perhaps maim and/or kill) whomever they wish - but only for a week. Let everyone who is predisposed to using weapons use them - for a week. But then that’s it.
Strict gun control laws, including hefty prison terms for those even owning a weapon without a license, would then take effect. The license provision itself would be based on a difficult written, visual and spoken test with a 30-day waiting period and it would have to be re-taken every five years. This test needs to be tough to weed out the loonies from the responsible types. At least as difficult as say… a driver’s test.Of course, for that week, EVERYONE would be allowed the weapons - students as well as teachers, bank robbers as well as cops, pages as well as congressmen, etc.

The result would be good for the economy and certainly would decrease the population in a ‘legal’ manner. Pro-Lifers, however, wouldn’t go for it - they’d probably see it as retroactive abortion. But hey - you can’t please all the people all the time, and besides, this ‘hell week’ would serve as a ‘Darwin-list’ sort of cleansing. Good for all concerned in the end, even though there may be a few politicians, movie stars, talk show hosts and CFOs lost in the process.

Also probably wouldn’t be too good for the ozone layer and global warming. All that smoke and creosote created by pulling millions of triggers over such a short space of time is sure to take a few more years off the planet’s health. But what’s a few years when the greater good is being served? I ask you.

Of course on this side of the border we’d have to arm the Canadian Customs dudes at the borders (finally - sheesh!). We don’t want any pesky Yankees trying a ‘run for the border’ armed to the tits. No - that week the borders would remain closed and fortified.

However, there’s a silver lining here too. An opportunity exists for enterprising television producers to erect bleachers on our side to watch the mayhem on the other side and tape it. Maybe stream it live to a ’special’ Internet site. Web cams all along the parallel. Cameras and microphones hanging from tethered blimps catching all the action… “But I don’t want to die!”… “Is that your final answer?!” BLAM! The Fox Network could carry it (unless it was a target itself). It would be called, “When Shit Happens”. There’d be a coffee table book and the Director’s Cut DVD 27 Disc Set would sell like hotcakes.

Yup. There’s a solution to every problem. All you gotta do is think.

(* Rifles, Rugers and Remingtons)

The Colbert Report is Copyright © 2006 Comedy Central. All Rights Reserved.



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STOP THE PRESSES!
Well, it had to happen sooner or later. I’m just surprised that it was ’sooner’.

Comedy Central has had enough. Of people ’stealing’ their copyrighted material, that is. Of course, an argument could be made that YouTube wasn’t doing anything of the sort (Hey - at least I attributed copyright, ain’t that worth something?!), but that would probably fall on deaf ears over at CC.

So, my little ‘connection’ with Stephen Colbert must be severed… for now. And here’s the ‘proof’ that it’s outta here!