A Change Of Venue

Up on the hill
They’ve got time to burn,
There’s no return.
Double helix in the sky tonight,
Throw out the hardware,
Let’s do it right.

Why are men afraid of vibrators…? I’ve never understood that. To me, they’re the perfect gift for any girlfriend or wife (yours, not someone else’s - careful with that shit!)

They’re not a threat to anyone’s masculinity or offensive in any way. In fact, they’re playful and fun and incredibly useful in the right hands.

The next time you think a dozen long-stemmed red roses will do the trick, try spending an extra twenty dollars and slip a ‘pocket rocket’ into the bouquet. See what effect THAT has on her.

Alright, I’ll admit: having a dozen long-stemmed red roses shoved up your ass — “Thorns, THORNS!” — probably isn’t the reaction you were looking for. And maybe the first date — let alone a blind date — isn’t the ideal opportunity.

No, timing and discretion are important. And understanding her is crucial. Maybe she’s shy, maybe she thinks that this ‘toy’ is just a tad too personal. Your offer of it should be a signal that you have a desire to experiment, to show her that you care about her pleasure and you are willing to share and be shared with.

Vibrators only speak one language, though the expensive ones can converse in several dialects. They come, if you’ll excuse the pun, in many shapes and sizes - mini, small, medium, large and novelty. Requiring batteries of complementary size — AAA, AA, C and D — I would offer a word to the wise: unless you’re willing to shell out an extra fifty bucks for a Sears DieHard, don’t consider buying a novelty vibrator unless you’re attempting to loosen those stubborn flagstones around your vegetable garden. Personal experience here - ‘nuff said!

Embarrased about the purchase…? That’s where the Internet comes in. No need to disguise yourself in a trenchcoat and a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. Plain brown wrapper, and all that!

Although, the very act of shopping in a purpose-built sex store can be an enlightening, not to mention humbling experience.

In the end it’s all about trust, desire, intimacy and sharing. It’s also about cling peaches, vanilla ice cream, candle wax and Nutella, but perhaps I’ve said too much.

One last caveat. Should you or yours travel with one of these randy companions, for fuck sake remove the batteries first. If you’re at an airport and it magically comes to life in your suitcase just as you’re passing through the x-ray machine it may cause the TSA to raise the threat level from yellow to plaid! You’re on your own there!

Finally, and by way of personal illustration, I once bought three vibrators of differing shapes and sizes for a girlfriend who was shy, timid even. ‘Kinky’ was leaving the lights on. When the lights went out she was adventurous, but I could tell she was holding back.

So, one night I cooked a nice dinner, cracked a great bottle of South African red, and presented her with the Holy Trinity wrapped in a scroll containing a poem I had written just for the occasion. I then told her that she had to go home before she opened the gift.

I didn’t hear from her for two weeks, and when I did she sounded like Barry White!

I remember her for any number of reasons, and all of them put a smile on my face. But one memento still stands out. I kept a scrap of paper containing a short grocery list she left stuck to the fridge early one morning.

DON’T FORGET…
Milk (1%)
Bread (12 grain)
Tomatoes (on the vine)
Peaches (!)
Ice Cream (!!)
Candles (!!!)
Batteries (!!!!)

THE POEM

At your bedside standing tall
Ever ready for the game,
One is big and the others small,
Though their roles are much the same.

With sleight of hand and movements slow
It’s your pleasure that they seek.
Increasing speed, in search of the “O”,
The kind that leaves you weak.

In and out, and around about
Progress is being made.
Close to the edge, you begin to shout
But the power begins to fade.

You were almost there, beginning to coast,
But your pleasure has been eluded
By the three words that you fear the most:
“Batteries Not Included”.