A Change Of Venue

About ten years ago I had an office in the basement of CBC Vancouver. I had been co-producing a television series about cars called Driver’s Seat and our production office was located within the broadcaster’s building at Hamilton and West Georgia Streets. Both the hours and the schedule were normally quite long, so it was easier being inside, it just made sense.

There have always been battles over government funding for CBC, not unlike battles everywhere when it comes to public television – PBS is another good example. But toward the end of my days within the bowels of ‘Mother Corp.’, as it is so ineloquently called, the cuts to CBC’s budgets had gone from surgical slices to out and out butchery. I won’t weigh-in on which camp – for or against the cuts – that I fall into, but suffice to say the public outcry against the cuts was NOT as vociferous as those within the CBC might have hoped for.

The reason…? Well, the answers are many and varied and would likely take up an entire website to address. At the core was — still is — the issue of distinctly Canadian programming, specifically drama.

The CBC, along with its ‘private’ counterparts, have been seeking that elusive ‘hit’ for many a year. What combination of action, drama, plot, theme, style and personality could be created to give birth to Canada’s version of America’s destination television… a Canuck Must See TV!…? Is it possible given our smaller audiences and smaller budgets? Is it even likely given our desire for American television drama to the exclusion of almost everything else? The debate rages, even in parliament.

Now, I’ve never produced dramatic television - it’s not my forte and I’m not all that interested, quite frankly. But it seems to me that attempting to make drama specifically for a Canadian audience — reflecting Canada to Canadians as the government funding agencies like to say — is putting the sled before the dog. If we make television that appeals first and foremost to a WORLD market, Canadians will beat a path to its door because we’re starved for good programming. A universal co-production must be the answer. A program that appeals to everyone. Put all the eggs in one basket. Fire all the guns at once. Throw the baby out with the bath water. That sort of thing.

With this in mind and tongue planted firmly in cheek, I wrote a satirical pitch for just such a dramatic television series pilot. A series that was sure to put every Canadian citizen on the edge of their seat in weekly anticipation of truly global suspense. I didn’t publish it in any way, nor was the object of the exercise to incur anyone’s wrath - I just thought it was funny.

I sent it via e-mail to a friend within CBC’s middle management here in Vancouver. Before I knew it, the ‘pitch document’ was circulated within every CBC building from Vancouver to St. John’s. I know this because within the week I was getting e-mails from high and low within CBC ranks and from other broadcasters as well. I thought, “Well, that’s it. Been a swell career. Nice knowing you. Turn out the lights when you’re done. I’m taking up farming.”

The only people I didn’t hear from were those at CBC headquarters in Toronto. I know at least one person there in upper management who read it because she told me so a few years later at the Banff Television Festival. Apparently it was taken in the spirit in which it was meant, a satirical ‘jab’, and there appeared to be no negative fallout - negative to ME that is.

Anyway, as I write this in 2007, Canada’s actors’ union is on strike, media consolidation is in full swing with CanWest Global buying Alliance Atlantis and CTVGlobeMedia buying CHUM, and arguably one of Canada’s largest, most expensive dramas, “Intelligence”, is getting mediocre ratings on CBC.

So I thought it was time, once again, to make my pitch for the one television pilot that will save us all. Why will no one listen to me…?!

§ § §

Is a successful international co-production possible…?

Can such a project maintain adherence to a multi-national road map of
cultural diversity while avoiding the dreaded “euro-pudding” complex…?

Is there a scenario whereby all participating funding agencies will be satisfied
with their “pound of flesh” and their “kilogram of flesh”…?

Do Russian leaders have only one suit…?

These and many other burning questions are answered
in the television epic that will win audiences the world over (but here in Canada first!)

ANNE OF A THOUSAND GABLES

(Canada/UK/France/USA - 1995) A period story of good triumphing over evil. A story transcending time and place.

Our heroine - a young, precocious orphan girl named Anne Shirley - finds herself mysteriously transported from her home in early twentieth century Prince Edward Island to sixteenth century England.

She discovers to her youthful amazement that she has been chosen by the Tudor Court to assume the throne as Queen and become the seventh wife of King Henry VIII. Anne’s stepmother Marilla, who refused to allow Anne to be transported without a guardian, offers counsel. She tells Anne in no uncertain terms that the past can’t be changed for fear of affecting future generations and to put out of her mind any foolish notions of betrothal to an uncouth obese regal with a spurious track record. They must solve this dilemma and be home in time for supper.

Henry is not amused. He carefully explains that the six notches on his belt are there for a reason and do not signify the number of times his pantaloons have been let out. He offers Anne and Marilla lodgings for the night while they consider their predicament.

While Anne becomes increasingly petulant, Marilla does indeed have second thoughts: this King may be fat, she muses, but there’s something appealing about his management philosophy. Against Anne’s wishes, Marilla sets out to make a deal. After all, she says, we’re not in PEI anymore. The Tower looms in the distance.

Many light years and many lifetimes away, aboard the Federation Starship USS Dramamine, Captain Jean-Luc Goddard - a man of few words and even fewer manners - is experiencing similar troubles of his own. The Drama, as she is affectionately known to those who encounter her, has somehow been led through a well-known and much feared rift in the space/time continuum known as the “Process” - a system that stifles creativity and renders all linear thought impossible.

Fearing the worst, Jean-Luc announces battle stations and puts the entire ship on red alert. Only then does he call for a high-level meeting in his private quarters with two of his most trusted aides: First Officer Commander Poutine, and the droid, Chief Purser Idi O.T. Savant USMC (United in the Service of Mother Corp.) Together they must eliminate the threat and defuse the situation before the entire crew of the Drama are transmutated by the Process into aloof and banal paper pushers. Time is of the essence.

Poutine suspects the Monitarians of the rebel planet Shylock are responsible for perpetrating this intergalactic transgression as a last ditch attempt to secure their uncertain future. A once-powerful and enigmatic race of public financiers, at one time the Monitarians had helped to produce a superior, marketable product in co-existence with their private neighbours. However, soon after the closure of key outposts and the return to home rule, Shylock became a wasteland and the Monitarians became a nomadic, warring people, no longer trusted. It had been rumoured for some time that they had taken refuge at Starbase TFC-90210 and were in fact back in business, but little reliable evidence existed to substantiate the rumours. Until now.

Although they argue bitterly amongst themselves over the details of a plan, Savant believes a solution is possible provided they can somehow link their fractious present and dim future with a brighter past. Poutine agrees and theorizes that if they can just create a fantasy that everyone would believe then perhaps, just perhaps, the Process would just… go away.

Suddenly, the light goes on for all three simultaneously! With the exclamation of Goddard’s, “Make it so!” echoing through the halls, they burst from the room.

When next we see our intrepid threesome, they are sitting cross-legged on the floor of the Holodeck, their faces illuminated by a single candle. Goddard, Poutine and Savant are reciting an ancient interstellar coda - a mantra handed over through generations, passed down through time itself:

The more things change, the more things stay the same.
The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Each time the mantra is spoken the candle glows a little brighter. Their three voices now as one are being transmitted in holographic stereo all over the Drama. But is the audience is listening…?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, not to mention several centuries earlier, Anne, Marilla, Henry and the Archbishop of Canterbury are negotiating the pending nuptials over a few goblets of mead in the Deus Ex Machina, a local tavern specializing in tasty but predictable fare. A place where everybody knows your name.

Anne is upset. All that drink has gone to Marilla’s head and she is making assumptions and suggestions that Anne has no intention of honouring. Besides, Hank and Archie can’t seem to keep their hands to themselves. She excuses herself to step outside for a breath of fresh air.

The night is cold - the wind brisk - the sky clear. In exasperation Anne throws her curly red locks to the side and stares intently heavenward as if to ask for divine guidance. There, just above the horizon, just to the left of the clock tower and just to the right of the unrepentant civil servant dangling from a noose, is a twinkling. No, a glowing!

“I’ve seen this before,” Anne thinks to herself, “back home in PEI.” Before she can think much longer, Anne is energized and she feels herself beginning to drift, and then fly!

On board the Drama, Goddard, Poutine and, yes, even the droid Savant, begin to smile and then large grins cross their faces as they stare at a young girl named Anne Shirley in the transporter room. They know this young girl from the past. They have succeeded.

After spending a few days swapping stories with the crew, the Drama runs out of money and Anne is shipped back to the safety of Avonlea. She has no memory of her travels other than a strange fondness for old men in red robes.

Is the Drama back on course? Will it be renewed for yet another season? And what of Anne’s stepmother…?

Marilla takes a liking to her rather rotund Tudor Teddy and since she hasn’t the foggiest idea how to get home, stays on to assist Henry with the marketing of the Reformation.

Mirth and mayhem ensue!